G.I. Joe

In 1985, Ray Carpenter and Jeff Johannigman of Epyx designed a video game that carried a significant weight: it had to uphold the reputation of a brand that had already celebrated two decades of history. Although the term G.I. Joe originally appeared in a 1942 comic on YANK and Stars and Stripes magazines, it wasn’t until 1964 that the name took on the form we know today, with Hasbro's action figures. The term action figure itself was coined specifically to avoid using the word doll, as the target audience was predominantly male.

The game we’re discussing is based on the series G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero from the 1980s, which introduced updated, smaller action figures, a mini-cartoon series, and a comic series produced by Marvel. Now, the question is whether this game managed to maintain the high standards of the Hasbro brand. The answer will become quite clear shortly. Let's dive into this little 8-bit trash gem.

The action figures from the G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero series,
distributed from 1982 to 1994.

Story

Upon starting the game (after a long loading time), the main screen features the iconic G.I. Joe theme. But don’t worry if you miss a note; this annoying melody will repeat over and over throughout the game, until death do you part, as the saying goes—and soon you’ll understand why I used this phrase.

The primary screen is a world map showing hot zones, areas where the notorious terrorist group Cobra is conducting activities. By selecting one of these geographic areas, players can sit back and relax while waiting for another excruciatingly long loading screen. Once loaded, the game introduces the villains of the Cobra league, with a pointer in the shape of a serpent selecting the enemy leader to imprison in this mission.

Two mission types are chosen randomly by the computer, both so poorly designed that you’ll be thankful there isn’t a third.

The world map from which to choose missions.

Gameplay

Before engaging in any mission, expect another long wait, as the Commodore 64 takes its time loading the data that the developers at Epyx painstakingly provided. The first mission type requires you to select one of four G.I. Joe operatives, each equipped with a specialized vehicle: Ace and his Rattler jet, Steeler with the M.O.B.A.T. tank, Wild Bill with the Dragonfly helicopter, and Clutch with the V.A.M.P. Jeep. These vehicles were all original toys from the G.I. Joe series.

Your base, from which the vehicles will depart,
and also the loading screen for the mission:
you’ll memorize every single pixel of it.

After making your choice, you’ll be treated to a depressing sight: a poorly drawn sprite representing your vehicle in a barren game world. The clunky vehicle controls will make even simple movements a grueling task.

The first mission type is a sad attempt at a shoot-'em-up. You control one of the G.I. Joe vehicles and try to destroy Cobra turrets. However, the sluggish controls and imprecise aiming make this frustrating. After destroying a handful of enemies, you are treated to the same obnoxious tune from the start of the game.

For the vehicle missions, you'll have
to rely on these four tough guys.

The second type of mission offers a little more variety. You can now select from a roster of characters like Duke, Scarlett, Snake Eyes, and others. While it may seem like the choice of hero would matter, it’s purely cosmetic—each character plays the same, regardless of their background. The mission consists of a one-screen battle, with your character running around attempting to shoot or avoid enemies. Even here, you’ll struggle with clumsy controls, and enemies that move erratically.

Technical Aspects

No, this isn't something your little
cousin made in Paint...

Graphics in G.I. Joe are among the most lackluster of its time. The vehicle sprites are lifeless, and the environments are dull and uninspired. The sound, dominated by that insufferable theme, offers little reprieve. The gameplay itself feels hollow, as the missions are repetitive and do nothing to honor the G.I. Joe brand.

Perhaps the game’s most glaring flaw is its sense of progression—or lack thereof. After each mission, Cobra villains you’ve defeated reappear, ensuring that your effort to capture them feels utterly pointless. This effectively traps players in an endless cycle, hence the phrase until death do you part.

Here’s the list of villains to throw behind bars.

This one is desert-like, but the game terrain
is barren by default, even in the
green valleys of England.

The Verdict

If you’re looking to atone for past sins, this game might be a fitting punishment. Otherwise, avoid it at all costs.

Pros:

• It’s a G.I. Joe game—if you strip away the brand, there’s nothing left.
• The second mission type has slightly better graphics for the time.

Cons:

• Everything else.

Score	Rating
Game Commodore 64	55%